Pianists
MR CYRIL MILLIONS
Cyril J Millions was born in the sleepy Surrey hamlet of Bringabottle-come-Early, to loving parents and great acclaim.
His father's family name being Millions, and his given name being Cyril, his infant tongue could make of the two names nothing longer or more explicit than Clem. So he was smacked on the head.
His parents were simple god-fearing crofters, who spent their time organising charity orphan jumble sales and sponsored parachute jumps and things like that.
It was during one of these parachute jumps that they both realised that the parachute had not yet been invented, and tragically smashed into Guilford cathedral.
However, fortune smiled on the distraught and orphaned Cyril, when he was taken pity upon and shown how to thieve by a thief called Keith. The two made quite a team, and a reign of moderate terror swept Sussex: burglary followed burglary. There were two burglaries.
It was during their third criminal excursion, breaking into what they believed to be a very long and wobbly corridor, that they found themselves on a train to London.
Cyril quickly found his feet in the big city, and also a beautiful top hat, which had been carelessly left on some fat man's head.
Filled with a sudden passion for the arts, and to escape a fat man who was chasing him, Cyril enrolled in the prestigious Conservatoriorium des Beaux Belles et de la Jolie Musique de Bouche in Bow where, fourteen short years later, he achieved a GNVQ in street dance.
However, he was also left with crippling debt and so acquired a job as a piano-key cleaner in a ramshackle pub on Mare Street.
It was there, over the fumes of professional cleaning fluids, that his streaming eyes fell upon an astonishingly old woman and her startlingly talented grand-daughter, who were in the snug, drowning their sorrows after their two-woman music hall wallpapering act had once again been unfavourably compared to Kim and Aggie from How Clean is Your House.
An evening of lamenting followed, during which the three found firm kinship, and ran off with the bar takings. They have not yet been caught.
SAM THE HANDS
Sam the Hands is a posh'un and a father figure for young Rosie. He looks ever so distinguished in a top hat and 'occasionally sports a rather fetching handlebar moustache He is otherwise known as Sam Chaplin and has is very own band called Jazz Bomb.
WINK MURGATROYD
AKA Alex Stanford - Jazz pianist extraordinaire!